“Are you wearing your beer goggles?”
For anyone who’s been living under a rock for the last two decades, beer goggles are those imaginary goggles that go over your eyes when you’ve had a few too many drinks. The more booze that goes into your gut, the prettier all of the women around you start to get. At the time it’s awesome because suddenly you’re out of a bar and into a harem full of sexy women who only want to get it on with you. But when you wake up the next day you’re laying next to a woman who could easily pass as a man. After a check you’re relieved to see it’s not a guy, but now you have to deal with what you’ve done to yourself. After thoroughly cussing out Past You, you’ve got some issues to work out.
You’re at Her House
“Try the hug and rollover technique to move away from her”
If you managed to get to her house last night then you want to try and grab your things as quietly as you can. Notice that we didn’t say quickly. That’s because the faster that you move the more likely it is that you’ll forget something, or even worst, wake her up. Just take your time, grab your shit, and sneak out into the hall. Don’t bother closing the door, it might squeak and give you away. If she has roommates then ignore the fact that they can come out of their rooms or the kitchen at any time. Get some sort of dick cover on and quietly dress in a place where you (hopefully) can’t be seen. Good job, you made it.
You’re at Your House
If you thought it would be an awesome idea to crash at your pad then you’ve got a whole lot of work to do. There are two choices that you can make: stay or go. If you don’t have shit to steal or don’t care what she could grab, then go ahead and take a walk. Follow the same rules for getting dressed and go out for breakfast or something. IF you’re lucky she’ll have woken up and, feeling really awkward, left for her house. She may be back when you return. That’s alright. It’s actually a perfect time to tell her that you’re only on your lunch break and came to walk her out. Don’t hug her, kiss her, or otherwise encourage affection. Then when she’s walking, walk the other way until she’s out of sight. Go home and high five yourself.
The worst case scenario is if she’s at your house, you have to stay, or she stayed even though you left. Then you’re just going to have to confront her. When she wakes up say hi and all of that polite crap, but then tell her that you have to do something soon. It could be work, pickup your child, or take care of your ill mother. Whatever your excuse, make it urgent so that she’ll get the hell out. It’s going to be awkward for everyone, but the sooner you can get the beer-goggled mistake out of your house, the better.